Who am I?

Image Title: Moonrise

Do you know who you are? I certainly didn’t for most of my life.

We all think we know ourselves. Understandably, so! We all live with ourselves and are the only ones privy to our innermost thoughts, fears, dreams and secrets. Why would we not know ourselves?

I definitely thought I knew myself, although there was a big neon sign indicating that I didn’t really! This so-obvious sign that I missed for decades was that I was never really comfortable with myself. That discomfort infected so many things in my life.

For many, many years, I mentally raged against society for not accepting me for who I was. I felt like I was oppressed by this lack of acceptance, squished into boxes that were never really the right size for me. I never really felt accepted.

“I don’t care what they think of me!”

“I am who I am!

“I will be myself no matter what!”

That’s what I said, quite often, and quite loudly, to myself, and to others who would listen. I thought that was the truth. The real truth was, I did care what everyone thought of me. I cared a lot!

2022 was a shocking year for me, and it almost destroyed me. But, although I was torn to nothing, I began to do some deep soul-searching, and from that place of darkness, I found out who I am. I am going to share some of how that happened with you. Maybe it will help you find who you are as well.

Image Title: Calm After Sundown

I was going to a counsellor, and talking about myself, of course. He was my paid prisoner, and had to let me waffle on and on about me. While we were talking, I told him I was a nice person. I gave him examples of it. And I realised, I actually am a nice person!

Up until then I kept telling myself, and others, that I was horrible. I wore it like armour. It was the so-called truth that I shrouded myself with to try and keep myself safe. I really bought into it, too!

Sitting there, that day, talking to “Dr John”, I began to consider things that I had done in the past, that were very kind things. I discovered so many instances where I practiced random acts of kindness, which I performed as naturally as breathing. And , like breathing, I was mostly not even aware that I did them.

In my life, I certainly noticed the horrible things I did, but I never saw the good things. I was too busy running myself down, hating myself, and using my “badness” to mentally flagellate myself with when I was meant to be sleeping at night.

This small insight began a snowball effect. I began to see that everything I thought about myself was really only everything negative I thought about myself. I began to see myself more holistically, and this led to a massive growth for me in self-acceptance, and personal insight.

Now that I have begun to see who I really am, I realise, it was not the world that did not accept me, it was myself that did not accept me. I realise, that I could not accept myself because I did not even know who I was.

You might be wondering who you actually are as well. I am not a professional, and can’t tell you how to do this. But what I can tell you, is what worked for me. I hope that, if you try this small thing, it will also help you to find out who you are. Who you really are!

Image Title: Early Evening Sky

Take a walk back through your memories and look at your actions. Filter out all of the things you did when you were hurting, angry, stressed or broken. Also, filter out all of the things you did when you were madly in love, happy, laughing, riding on a high in life. There are many things we do whilst slave to emotions that might not demonstrate who we are really, inside.

Instead, look for small spontaneous things that you have done. Who you are lives in the small things that you just do.

You could find that you are naturally inclined to protect people being bullied. You might find that you feel a great warm glow when you grow or nurture things. You might find that you give things away without a thought to people to believe really need it. You may even find dark things about yourself as well. Don’t hate on yourself for that. Just simply find out who you are.

Once you know who you are, who your core character is, what comes naturally to you and not because of social norms, or emotions, or external pressure, then you have space to get to know you, and move forward from there.

Your mission is not to judge yourself.

Your mission is to find yourself, and fly.

Image Title: Dusk